Top 981 Quotes & Sayings by George Carlin - Page 2

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on.

Have you ever noticed that the only metaphor we have in our public discourse for solving problems is to declare war on it? We have the war on crime, the war on cancer, the war on drugs. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? You know why? Because there's no money in that problem. No money to be made off of the homeless. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick!

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>&gt.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can’t quite remember.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.