Top 981 Quotes & Sayings by George Carlin - Page 3

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

Life is a near-death experience.

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a... secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.

Life is sacred? Who said so, God? Hey, if you read history you'll realize that God is one of the leading causes of death...has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

"No comment" is a comment.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got, because the owners of this country don't want that. I'm talking about the real owners now... the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.