Top 981 Quotes & Sayings by George Carlin - Page 4

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country.

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

Is there another word for synonym?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Surround yourself with what you love.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Hard work is for people short on talent.

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.