Top 89 Quotes & Sayings by Gilbert Gottfried - Page 2

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

Nothing can help my comedy.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher

You can say "ass," but you can't say "asshole." That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an "ass." Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.