Top 248 Quotes & Sayings by Greg Gutfeld - Page 3

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

A CNN poll shows both Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton beating Donald Trump in the general. Are republicans about to elect a loser? Who knows? But at least we can say it sells great. Then in 2032, we can nominate Justin Bieber and start all over again.

I need somebody to Trump-xplain(ph) this, because I don`t understand it.I`ve heard people defend him about making fun of a disability, making fun of John McCain, making fun of women - a woman`s face.I just wanted to hear somebody defend this as well, because it just never ends. No one will ever stop defending the crass stuff he says.

When you talk about Islamic terror. You go, oh, you're an Islamic - you're Islamophobic because you besmirching all Muslims. No. I'm talking about Islamic terror.

If you're a Republican and rich, that's evil. But if you're a Democrat and rich, that's great.

One thing I noticed when I was young was I was impatient for success. I think everybody is impatient for success. It will come. But don't - you shouldn't let that impatience drive you crazy.

Is your relationship strong enough to survive a trip to Ikea? Is their furniture strong enough to survive a relationship? Have you ever bought a bed there?

Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell's Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they'll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.

Fact is, the desperate desire to be cool has skewed our culture toward nihilism, carelessness, and ineptitude. It is now cool to be an idiot. A jackass. It's cool to be a failure, as long as your failure is the basis for a reality show.

Celebrities are the doormats to power.

When you get famous and rich when you're young, what happens is you start feeling insecure.

When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they’re doing so for purely selfish reasons. It’s the human equivalent of a puppy dog’s face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, 'please lower my taxes.'

Because a part of the entire [Donald] Trump experience or whatever this last six months [of 2015] has been sort of feels like we`ve been living in a dream, but this is all actually happening.I mean, it`s great to be a political journalist in this time. It`s about the rhetoric. You hear his supporters on the campaign trail say we`re glad he`s not politically correct.

How can you have a reasonable debate with people who are constantly changing the panic? They are moving the panic to a greater wave of hysteria?

[In] 2010, Woody Allen said that he felt Barack Obama should be a dictator so that he could get things done, and the first thing obviously that Woody Allen wanted done is to make it legal to have sex with stepdaughters.

Fake sympathy is the politicians demanding more cash as they ignore the underlying crisis. They prefer money over morality.

Accusing a politician of being politically expedient is like accusing water of being wet or circles for being round.

We need somebody that can unify a country in spite of a vocal powerful media that's intent on division. It's not about winning the media. It's about winning the people, and I don't think it's necessarily persuasive to eat - to cannibalize yourself. I think that you have to pick the winner.

Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting. What part of democracy are they afraid of? I call on Republicans at all levels of government, with all manner of ambition, to stop fear mongering about a phantom epidemic of election fraud. I'm calling for universal, automatic voter registration, every citizen in every state in the union.

Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

They [policemen] are in a profession that if you do the job incorrectly, or proceeding incorrectly, it's over for you because there isn't any supporter backup. If you make a mistake as a plumber, you know, you fix it and everything goes on or you get sued. But if you make a mistake as a cop, you are more infamous than Jesse James, everything's over.

ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.

Al Gore completely lied about climate change in an effort to make a lot of money.

I think the cult of personality is the thing that people find a real problem with. It's hard to unify behind something that is unknown. I know more about black holes than I do about Donald Trump's ever-changing news. So I don't blame - like, I don't blame conservatives going, like "Hey, this is something that I believe in. And I don't know what he believes." But that could change. That could change in four months.

I would like to see a president with a monocle.

Legal gun ownership always prevails over the emotionalism of the gun control movement.

Planned Parenthood's entire existence is basically based on keeping people in the dark through euphemism. You don't call it genocide, you call it reproductive health. So that's why Planned Parenthood has - nobody really thought.

I don't know if you get anything more adorable than a tiny pig eating an apple. And here's a fun fact. This is how you make apple-smoked bacon.

The metric system was designed to get people to enter charity runs.Do you think you would go run a 3.1 mile race? No, but if somebody says, hey, 5 km. You go, 5km sounds pretty impressive.

If the immigrant is responsible for assimilation of the country, and some of these people are in fact are born there. But if you find it unwelcoming to your own barbaric notions of equality, that is not on the country, that is on you. If you leave a horrible place, please leave your horrible practices behind.

Look, this debate is basic: it's small government vs. big government. So how cowardly do folks like Blood and Frank Rich have to be that they can't man up and defend their love for collectivism? The only reason they scream race, is because that debate scares them. They know a racial accusation prevents dialogue, because such a harmful charge far outweighs any benefits of winning an argument.

Unlike those who fight truly intolerant things like terrorism throughout the world, Madonna is really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil.

We have two nations, and it's not black or white. It's red and blue. Under Republican leadership, cities tend to do better. Cities are destroyed under Democrats, because they don't know how to deal with the constituency; they're terrified.

The thing which Reagan did, which was great, was he won the people. He marginalized the media. And that's what you need, an intellectual agility.

Let's admit that feminism came from liberalism and it was very positive. But then it went dark. It went into a bad place. When feminism replaced biology with social construct, they started to say that everything about a human being was created by your environment or by your - by environmental cues as opposed to innate traits... Like you didn't achieve what you could get because it was your fault. They denied traits that are applied across all cultures. And that's where feminism went wrong is it denied biology and makes them look foolish.

Commencement addresses are usually garbage. They're for colleges seeking publicity.

Playboy seems like a sad magazine for me. It seems like for men who would sit around in a bath robe.

We have a greedy cycle where Human Rights Commissions fine citizens in order to pay their own salaries so they can employ more Human Rights Commissions. It's a bounty system where the prizes are business owner's heads. And so as restaurants go broke, tourists get stabbed. That's human rights in New York. And perhaps America.

Private citizens and companies are always seen as evil and greedy, because they want to profit. But the government picks your pocket any chance it can get, but they're never called greedy.

Republicans do actually care about health care. They just don't care about government-run health care.

The most problematic word in America is the word "problematic." It's a wuss word used by people to silence language without actually saying that they want to silence you. They don't want to go full fascist.

Hollywood's schizophrenia over guns is matched only by their attitude toward taxes. Ever wonder why they film in Vancouver so often? It ain't for the beaches, I can tell you.

Whenever there's an act of terror, its guns, its Christians, it's republicans, but the FBI can't say Islamism because it's too politically incorrect. And nobody wants to lose their job, it comes from the top. I think they lack the manpower to do their jobs. It's not about changing the FBI; it's about changing the way they do business.

Adults use children in order to survive because now, we have this [kids] tissue that can allow us to live longer. And once you've accepted this idea that you can use this tissue to make yourself healthier, what's to stop you from making it into a nutritional supplement? What's to stop you from any kind of weird, bizarre, amoral act because you've already made the leap?

We're already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can't imagine it getting any worse.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

What I'm going to miss is the competition, being, that's OK, I can watch from the house.

The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.

Ask dumb questions and listen quietly for the answers. That's a wisdom stair climber.

The Islamophobia phobes, (ph) the writers and the editors and the talking heads who deny an existence of evil while blaming those who speak up. There no difference - different than the apologists for communism. As communism killed millions, they, they denied it.

The problem with leftism as a vice is that everyone else is stuck with the hangover.

When the government sees a poor area, its solution is to move the poor out.

I guess if your heart's in the right place, the trash can go anywhere.

You can't get more racist than hating black conservatives just because they're black.

When you are so obsessed with identity politics it's not healthy because you're constantly worried about how you're perceived as opposed to your achievements. Once your identity becomes your achievement then you run into serious problems.

We used to actually kill each other before we discovered rhetoric in words. If you look at other countries, there are people attacking each other in parliament and stuff.

I want to make a positive point of Ikea. It makes income inequality a minor distraction.

The media is Obama's scandal condom.

When you have a TV show or when you are running a magazine, you have to remember that your audience isn't rich. They're not made of money.