Top 248 Quotes & Sayings by Greg Gutfeld - Page 4

[If Republicans] got to put their kids into public school. They got to take public health. They would become libertarian faster than you could say Ayn Rand.

You should just go, go to work, work hard, be a perfectionist, be a workhorse. If you work 10 years straight, you'll be comfortable and set for life. That is a fact.

You should try to get fired once in a while. It's good for you.

So the villains aren't gay-hating Islamists or women killing tyrants, but actually us: an American Congress bent on the apocalypse. Don't we understand? Iranians love their children too.

Lion is a beautiful creature. It's a wonderful creature. But it's easy outrage. And I also believe that this kind of outrage is a consequence of a moral cowardice in the face of other evil, that you transfer your impotence about other - in other arenas to this, because you know that people will agree with you that this is really bad, but there are serious outrages out there that are bigger than a lion.

In the hands of fiends, guns will kill you. In your hands, they protect against such fiends.

I don't understand why a 40 is a quarter of beer when a 40 is 40 ounces. It's time to embrace the metric system.

He's like a baseball team owner who also wants to coach, but who also attracts fans, like David Duke, and now anti-semi Louis Farrakhan who also gave Donald Trump odd praise. Now maybe this is not Trump's fault, but he is truly a unifier getting white and black racist leaders to agree on one thing - him. Not to mention the democrats.

The irony of prison is that it takes years and years and years to plan an elaborate escape, but all you have is years and years and years.

Military simulation is an important way of training people for an emergency

I'm thinking about American votes and American - all Americans, black or white have to be concerned about what's happening in the world.

I don't believe a religion affords any protection if they are connected to any kind of terror.

Security should not be a black and white thing.

If Russia had the same military power that America did, earth would be called Russia.

Paternity, paternity. Let's think about this. This discriminates against the childless. So you get a year off because you produce a brat. If anything if you have a child you should work more because your brat's going to annoy me at the restaurants.

I have friends my age who started smoking pot when they got out of college. They didn't get anywhere. But if they drank, they managed to go somewhere. Does that make sense?

ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.

Delayed gratification is the one thing we ignore these days. And if you delay it, it becomes more pleasurable later in life.

If you throw the baby away, that's garbage. But no, the heart's precious. You could get something, you could save a life. Well, you just threw away a baby but the heart's valuable. That's the horror and the terror and the hypocrisy that nobody can understand. We base communities on the idea of protecting children based on the sacrifice of adults. Adults work and die so that their next generation would grow and prosper.

I'm so tired of the same old cliche costumes. When people dress up as animals, they always go as, like, lions and tigers and dogs. You know, why don't you try something different? Dress up like a lemur.

The government is controlling your mind through chem trails, we all know this is true.

Homeland Security was rejecting, is rejecting terms like Jihad. They don't want to use terms like Jihad or Sharia, because they feel that alienates the youth in terms of propagandizing. However, an imam can talk about the killing of gays. To fight a cult, which is, this is the cult, you have to use the terminology of the cult, because how else can you explain what the cult and its practices are?

Let's be clear about what people never say about Playboy on television. It was nothing more than an instrument for onanism. That's what it was. And the Internet co-opted that industry of self- gratification. There is no necessity for lonely men or teenagers to use Playboy. It turns out no one bought that magazine for the articles ever; it was used for only one thing.

92 people are killed every single day in car fatalities. What if we filmed every one of them? No one would drive cars.

The problem with legalization is we already have a dependent generation that's subsidized to oblivion. And will legal pot somehow slice another sliver of the population off of the productive world?

I agree and I disagree in the sense that I think that he [Donald Trump] has a fondness for autocrats, but at the same time, isn't he talking about like perception of defending your country.

The problem with the immigration debate, it's probably is the most poisoned and political debate of any issue, because you have this huge voting bloc that everybody says is yours

I love it when the market reacts naturally to events. It's like a cat coughing up a fur ball.

It's not enough to be right because he [Rick Perry] is right, you got to be persuasively right, got to be intellectually agile, and I think he can do it.

Job creation is important I think, but it's not the critical issue for Republicans.

When immigrants go into the worse neighborhood and they fix it up, they should become citizens.

It's easy to whip up resentment against anything that smacks with authority. Nobody ever organizes over pan handlers. So even if a cop is black, like the three arrested in Baltimore, or one dead in Mississippi, the hard left uses race as the underlying cause. It's why there are no defiant marches when policemen are killed.

Magic Johnson links his HIV and treatment to health care as though ObamaCare would provide the same level of care that a mega rich celebrity would get. Is he going to dump his coverage? Is he going to dump it and sign up for ObamaCare?

Monitoring activities is neither new or intrusive. We did that with communities in terms of getting rid of the mob. And cops, believe me, do not want to do this. Do you think they really want to listen to you chant five times a day. However, you should look on the bright side: you might convert them.

There is an apocalyptic view to this that is actually kind of appealing, which is the only way to kill big government is to let it kill itself. It's suicide by gluttony. Right now, the government is approaching Fat Elvis during those years in the '70s right before he croaked on the toilet seat. Basically ObamaCare is a huge tray of bacon and banana sandwiches. And it could happen in our lifetimes.

I've always wondered, how did Hitler get away with so much for so long?

America is like the greatest hit of the world.

When immigrants go into the worse neighborhood and they fix it up, they should become citizens. I think that your people, when you save a place. But the problem is, then you see immigrants saving cities in Baltimore and you see 40 Korean groceries get burned down.

Ocean privilege does not exist anymore. The world is small. We cannot rely on distance anymore.

People that want to control words will never ever try to break up, like, a fight on a subway. They will never confront an aggressive person on the bus. They prefer their fights to be easy.

The best thing about Ikea - I'm going to do a quiz here - the names. Do you know what a Floria Fin (ph) is? It's a candle. A Pogestra (ph) - table. A Bar Grick (ph) is a plate, an Eterleeg (ph) is a wine glass and a Scuggle (ph) is the name of my third nipple.

The [Confederate] Flag is - literally - sewed division. People claim it means different things to different people, but it harkens back to the pro-slavery side of the war.

When someone in power declares that something is broken that means it's actually fine. What they're really saying is, "Let's change this so I like it and ruin it." Nothing is ever broken.

I haven`t used that word since I was 7 years old. I don`t understand Donald Trump.

There are always gonna be people that are gonna be offended about something. This will never end.

Politicians, you know Harry Reid hates you. We get it. But when somebody from "The New York Times" or "The Washington Post" is saying this stuff, that's different, that's offensive, that's wrong.

I admire President Obama's ability to trust strangers.

The media treats fear like a one-night stand. They jump on it and then they leave the next day and they forget - remember the Alar Scare? Things - see, nobody even remembers Alar.

I am not the least bit religious, but at least I stick up for the good work of religion and the cascade of benefits that come from religion.

The inevitability of abortion. But I refuse to accept the amoral consequences that are even far worse than that, which is harvesting them because we decided that as an adult society, we can use children to make our lives better, if you seek the reverse.

Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.

We often mock Barack Obama for whining about Fox News. So it's now what Donald Trump is doing? Should we be mocking him for doing the same thing? I know. It is hypocritical if we don't.

You also wonder if a restaurant placed an ad that read, "Only homeless need apply," would they get fined? Probably not. But if they said, "No homeless apply," they would be transient bigots. For as bureaucrats use language to punish the lawful, they use tolerance to coddle the troubled.

I never quit. I just got fired.

We need an idiot middle ground, where we have to be honest and say, kids can be idiots and cops can be idiots.

The world understands that our country could solve all conflicts with military solutions, but we won't because we have leaders and we have a moral responsibility but we have also have a political - we have a political leader who is scared and who is raised on the idea that American force is the true evil.

Good people suddenly don't turn bad.

American people, what about the American people? I think the president delights in the fact that they have been roofied by technology and pop culture. They're not conscious to any expansion of power, which is why they're happy to exist in this dependant decline.

It goes back to the if identity becomes your achievement, what do you do, this is what happens? And I do think it leads to psychological disorders. You have to start doing things and stop thinking about yourself.

The problem with Republicans and Conservatives is we attack each other.