Top 321 Quotes & Sayings by Groucho Marx
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Groucho Marx.
Last updated on December 23, 2024.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
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