Top 321 Quotes & Sayings by Groucho Marx - Page 2

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

What have future generations ever done for us?

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Women should be obscene, not heard.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now