Top 321 Quotes & Sayings by Groucho Marx - Page 3

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

The only real laughter comes from despair.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech, and that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

The Arab and the camel are inseparable. It's been said that and Arab would give up his wife rather than give up his camel. Personally, I haven't got a camel, but I think it's a great idea.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

I shall drink no #? wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Go, and never darken my towels again

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

Blood's not thicker than money.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

Always examine the dice.

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.