Top 321 Quotes & Sayings by Groucho Marx - Page 4

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

The months before my son was born, I used to yell from night to morn, 'Whatever it is, I'm against it! No matter what it is or who commenced it, I'm against it!'

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Home is where you hang your head.

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

Only if the computers really love each other.

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

If you were a man, you'd go into business for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid", providing she's not too old

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.