Top 321 Quotes & Sayings by Groucho Marx - Page 5

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

Was that you or the duck?

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

I hope they bury me near a strait man

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell his size, with the result that frequently he'd make a pair of pants with one trouser leg seven or eight inches longer than the other.

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

Any place I hang my head is home.

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

TV is the rat race of the century.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only, when the hostess has only twelve chops.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.