Top 231 Quotes & Sayings by Henny Youngman
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Henny Youngman.
Last updated on November 21, 2024.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Take my wife... Please!
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?
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