Top 231 Quotes & Sayings by Henny Youngman - Page 2

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.