Top 231 Quotes & Sayings by Henny Youngman - Page 3

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

What is a home without children? Quiet.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

We aim to please... You aim too, please.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

On dancing on pointe: Why don't they just get taller girls?

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.