Top 231 Quotes & Sayings by Henny Youngman - Page 4
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Henny Youngman.
Last updated on November 21, 2024.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
Let's get up here before we get killed!
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
I live about four muggings from Central Park.
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.
I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."
I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.
If I had blood, I'd blush.
He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.
My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
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