Top 123 Quotes & Sayings by Iliza Shlesinger

What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die.

You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.

I don't know what it's like to be mocked because of your skin color. I don't know what it's like to feel overweight. All I can do as a woman is have compassion, treat other women with kindness, and allow them to just be happy and not judge them for it.

You're never going to please 100 percent of women.

My hair is just like five pieces of very soft straw that needs managing. I touch my hair a lot, and that makes it crazy.

Women are often scrutinized when they have pets that men wouldn't have. We are immediately faulted for having the wrong kind of pet rather than anyone first think, 'Wow, she rescued an animal that would have been otherwise killed and gave them a great home - how sweet!'

No matter who you date, people are going to make fun of them, jealous people are going to say stuff, people get creepy - all the things that come with the public eye.

I prefer social politics to politics.

Whenever I play Las Vegas, they always give you a suite, and it's really nice, and it always comes with a large bathtub.

It's always nice to be paid to be in Las Vegas.

When I started my career, I started with black comics: Bruce Bruce, Mark Curry, Bill Bellamy. It takes all kinds of influences.

I don't think anyone leaves Las Vegas rejuvenated, their skin shining, their bank accounts glowing. No one leaves Vegas, like, 'I didn't make one mistake. That felt great. Back to work.'

The women who are pool waitresses are another worldly species. They're half-desert lizards. They never have sunburns.

I've never been the kind of woman that hates other women, particularly based on their attractiveness.

I've built a career on evenly entertaining men and women. And I'm kind of known for not making either side feel bad.

Everybody has their cross to bear, and everybody has their issues. But it still never once occurred to me that I'm not as good as everyone else. And that's a gift I wish I could give to every girl.

I've do a lot of USO shows and do whatever I can to support the military.

I believe in always having a lot of irons in the fire.

I think more than anything, as a comedian, I grow tired of the unoriginality of 'crazy cat lady' jokes. It's a hacky joke based on an already-played-out stereotype.

You can't deny the truth. And that's what makes smart comedy so good.

My family is funny. I think you're born with the gene.

I was frustrated in general with the way women are always portrayed. And it's always through a man's eyes.

Unfortunately, we don't live in a society where you can say whatever you want, and there will be no repercussions. Pick and choose your battles. I think that's the key.

Standup is a tough job and a gritty job.

Getting to prove yourself in a room that's not your typical demo is an experience every comic should try. It makes you better.

Being sexually harassed is the worst. Sorry. Let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst... If he's hot, it's just plain old flirting.

When all my girlfriends were watching 'ER,' I was watching episodes of 'Kids in the Hall.'

Whether it be the gym or telling a guy to stop mistreating me or getting through school with a C+ average but making people think I'm much smarter... it's all about strength and how you wear it.

What I have found that my comedy is doing - and what really drives me - is to sort of bring women together through pointing out why we act so crazy.

To be labeled pathetic because you enjoy the company of a loving creature who is always down to hang out, sleep, and eat with you is unfair.

I grew up in a bit of a vacuum. And as a kid, you see 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' and you're like, 'Oh, it's a cartoon.' There's mixed media. It's funny, and there's stop-motion. But as an adult, you figure it out, how the entire underpinnings of their comedy was poking fun at the rank and file of the British aristocracy and the monarchy.

I believe in having a neat workspace because everything else in my life is so unpredictable, and my mind is so crowded - I wake up with commercials from the '90s blaring in my head. I try to give myself a fighting chance by having an organized workspace.

I'm always looking for bigger audiences and bigger stages. Really, however I can reach my fans is what will make me happy - well, I'll actually probably never be happy.

At a certain point, I had so much artwork that I decided to respect the art and present them in a nice way, not just on a dusty shelf.

I drink Peet's Coffee, and they're a very authentic company. They don't try to be something that they're not, and I think that's reflective in my comedy as well.

I've been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don't plan on stopping.

There's a way to express femininity and independence and strength without going for hanging fruit.

I was always rewarded for being funny. I liked being funny.

I think people have to understand that 'empowering' for women doesn't mean negating men.

My whole life, I knew that I was going to be funny for a living.

I'm not winning any modeling awards, I'm not a Rhodes Scholar, but I genuinely feel that if you're taking time out of your day and your energy to comment on my art, then I got your attention.

The world is a scary place. Even my mother has suggested I take a self defense class.

I would tell my 23-year-old self to be friends with more comics.

I think a big part of feminism - and this is something I'm sure a bunch of women will take my head off for - but a big part of feminism is women allowing other women to just be the kind of women that they are.

Most women have jobs that require them to leave the house. A cat is actually a perfect pet. You get the love and companionship of a creature covered in fur, and you don't have to take it for a walk, and it can feed itself. Less maintenance. Surely any man can appreciate the practicality of this choice.

I really wanted to do a deep-dive into the idea that women are always called 'crazy,' and we are painted with such broad strokes because it's so easy to stereotype women and write them off. I got tired of that, and I wanted to explain: We are not crazy. There's a method to our madness.

I've had girls that kissed me on the cheek. People get so pumped, and so excited, they don't see you as a person. Which is fair. Sometimes, I don't see people as people. But at the end of the day, you can't put your hands on me unless I hug you first.

I'm going to die unhappy. That's how artists roll!

My passion in life isn't politics. It truly is connecting to people and women.

I think part of being Jewish is that innate desire to question things. Rabbis sit around all day and question the Torah. Giving yourself the room to question things, in a religion, just breeds thinking.

I've never been a dirty comic.

My comedy is a bit cartoonlike, if I really think about it.

I believe in choosing your words very carefully. It's funny: I'll get comments like, 'Oh I love you. You don't care; you have no filter.' On the contrary, I absolutely have a filter, because I understand decorum, and my objective is not to upset people.

My mother always told me that you should have one room in your house where you celebrate all of your achievements. You shouldn't have them spread throughout.

My only agenda is trying to make you laugh and say something smart.

When you can analyze situations and figure out what's best for you, based on you and not some preconceived notion of what society expects, then nothing is a threat.

You can make people laugh, but having them really want to hear what you have to say, that takes trust and time.

As women, and as people, we're often forced to choose between pop culture and tearing down celebrities or a show about politics.

It's only through aging and going through heartbreak and loss and successes and failures that you can look back and look at the mistakes some young people make.

Getting on stage and screaming at all Republicans does nothing more than isolate people.