Top 123 Quotes & Sayings by Iliza Shlesinger - Page 2

I really respect Samantha Bee.

There should be an F.A.A. fine for those who bring hot food that emits odor onto the plane. You're deemed selfish, and you have to take some sort of social awareness class.

I don't write anything. It's all done onstage, which is why I always tell younger comics that they just have to go do it. You have to get up, talk, and take a thought or a word and just expound, and you find it in there. I don't sit down and write.

At the end of the day, all there is is making yourself happy.

There's no anger in my act towards anyone other than myself... and maybe airlines.

There was a sketch group at Emerson, and if you could believe it, we were the cool kids. That's how Emerson rolls. I was a film major, but I spent most of my time doing that.

I was a big fan of sketch comedy and cartoons growing up.

I had a 'Monty Python' CD, and I would listen to it in the car on the way to school. It also refined my British accent. I can do a killer British accent because I'm just imitating 'Monty Python.'

I think we're very quick to rip other women apart when they don't fit our mold, which, quite frankly, is just as bad as a man tearing you down for something, if not worse.

It's never occurred to me - and I don't know what right mixture of upbringing this was - that my opinion wasn't as important as the alpha males or that I shouldn't try or that I wasn't the funniest one in the room.

I remember playing a college in Michigan, and they all held up their hand to show me where they live, which made me wonder what weird alien cult I had entered.

Always be nice to the front desk staff because they can choose to make your life a living hell, and they'll remember you.

There's nothing 'flash in the pan' about my career. It's been built fan by fan, city by city.

When you travel, try having an open mind, not just about the city that you're in but about the surrounding areas.

Sounds are something that I always emulate - I'll walk around, and if a coffee pot goes off or a phone rings, I'll often mimic the sound. To me, everything's got a voice.

A very long time ago, I accepted that travel is just a necessary evil, and unlike many things in my life, I decided going with the flow would make it less painful.

The amount of garbage that women are expected to put up with - we're just expected to ignore when a man whistles at us. And it never makes us feel good - it always makes us feel unsafe.

I firmly believe in standing by what you are. I was never taught to dim my light to pacify other people.

I was a huge 'Blind Date' fan, though, when I was younger; that was on when I was in high school.

I have the comedic chops and intelligence to raise points and discuss both sides of whatever is on our mind as a society.

If a guy is just genuine and honest, girls gravitate towards that, and girls love it when you open up.

I really respect my craft and obligation to my audience.

A lot of comedians are really funny onstage, but they can't do a podcast.

I used to take a recorder around and interview my parents and do impressions of my classmates as guests on my show.

I don't want to hear any more women talk about how they want to be... mermaids.

I'm pale, and people need to accept that I'm almost see-through.

I didn't get an agent until after 'Last Comic Standing' - of course, getting on a show like that will get you attention.

We're so hard on ourselves, and there's a freedom in realizing that we're our toughest critics.

The more comprehensive your language is, the more likely people are to believe everything you're saying. It really just comes from the power of knowing you're the smartest person in the room, and if you aren't, you're definitely going to sound like it.

I love getting insight into what makes actors tick.

I want girls to know that whatever you're feeling, I'm feeling too. All the things that you think make you crazy, it's OK to feel that way, and I'm gonna tell you why we feel that way.

I'm a huge sketch comedy fan, and I think my love of sketch is reflected in my stand-up in that I do a lot of vignettes and voices and characters.

I think that it's an easy thing to say, that whenever women do stand up, that 'Oh, they must hate men' - and I'm like, 'Well, if you listen carefully, it's actually a lovely tutorial that I wouldn't give to men unless I cared.'

I'm certainly not a supermodel.

If you think you're good enough, then you find it preposterous when somebody doesn't acknowledge that... That's propelled me in many ways - maybe thinking I deserve things that I don't at some time. But I'm always willing to put in the work.

Part of being a comic is being flexible, being versatile.

I'm really good at saying what other people are thinking and making it relatable.

I got a job as a coat check girl at a nightclub - this was in my first few months of being in L.A.

I get my strength from wanting to teach other women that everything about you is OK, and you shouldn't take any crap from anyone.

Like any other creative person, I would make home videos, and I would make sketches with my friends, and I would make my own movies, so I have some love for the creative process.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

You can't go to the bathroom alone... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!