Top 42 Quotes & Sayings by Jay London

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Jay London.

Last updated on December 23, 2024.

Jay London is an American stand-up comic, whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's Last Comic Standing. Although he did not win either of the two seasons in which he appeared, his humble personality and clean comedy made him a favorite among the show's fans.

American - Comedian

Source: Wikipedia

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

Jay London

People read me but they don't subscribe.

Jay London

I saw a stationery store move.

Jay London

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

Jay London

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

Jay London

I was born nine months premature.

Jay London

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

Jay London

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

Jay London

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.

Jay London

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

Jay London

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

Jay London

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.

Jay London

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.

Jay London

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

Jay London

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?

Jay London

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

Jay London

I model irregular clothing.

Jay London

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

Jay London

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

Jay London

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

Jay London

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

Jay London

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Jay London

Do you know it was a year a ago today?

Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

Jay London

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

Jay London

You know what burns me? Matches.

Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

Jay London

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

Jay London

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

Jay London

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.

Jay London

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

Jay London