Top 314 Quotes & Sayings by Jeff Foxworthy - Page 2

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.

I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to.

I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You might be a redneck if you think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.

We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?"

You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

You might be a redneck if you go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.'

You might be a redneck if you look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet 'Ms. Right

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

People should see your faith. If all you do is talk about your faith and people don't see it, but they ought to see it in the way you treat your family, you treat your friends, you treat your community.

You might be a redneck if you think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You might be a redneck if an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.