Top 314 Quotes & Sayings by Jeff Foxworthy - Page 3

This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth! Here's your Sign!

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin.

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.

You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

You might be a redneck if your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

You might be a redneck if you think Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry walks out to the barn.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

You might be a redneck if your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

It's sad when you see somebody that talented that passes away and doesn't have to.

There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!

You might be a redneck if you refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

We really didn't have the option of being couch potatoes when I was growing up. There were only three television channels and the only kid's programming was on Saturday morning. We always played outside until we could hear Mom calling us (not by cell phone but with her hands cupped around her mouth) that it was dinner time.

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.

You might be a redneck if...your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

You might be a redneck if...you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.

I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.

You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

You might be a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.

You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado? You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer.

We're a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy.

If you don't have anything good to say about someone, you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy.

You might be a redneck if you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You might be a redneck if taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

You might be a redneck if Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.

Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this.

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Kids aren't suppose to have cancer, they're suppose to have a future.