Top 330 Quotes & Sayings by Jerry Seinfeld
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
Last updated on November 3, 2024.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.
You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
I like money, but it's never been about the money.
I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done.
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that.
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'
Men want to make women happy.
You can be passionate about anything.
I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.
I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
I kind of thought that stand-up comedy would suffer from the Internet because people seem to know more about the craft of stand-up than ever before. I thought it would seem trite. Kind of like if you know more about magicians, you wouldn't love them.
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