Top 378 Quotes & Sayings by Jim Gaffigan

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

I just want to be known as funny.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'