Top 148 Quotes & Sayings by Jim Norton - Page 2

Ozzy Osbourne is one of my favorite interviews, he's so good.

I think people like to label everything. I just think it's comfortable.

No matter how many books I've sold, nothing can correct the fact I look like Alfred Hitchcock from the side.

You never want your greatest work to be 10 years ago.

Americans have always been inconsistent and kind of fake with outrage, but we've just slipped totally upside-down.

My instinct is to be honest and make fun of things.

Comics who consider themselves 'mavericks' or think the crowd doesn't get them are normally lousy comics.

I got really lucky that at age 12, I knew I just wanted to be a dancing monkey in front of people and entertain them, or try to. It's amazing that at age 12 I realized what a needy life I was gonna have.

If someone doesn't like a comedian that's fine; a lot of people probably don't like my standup, and that's fine. But I think that the problem is people want you to get in trouble. That's the issue.

You just have to believe in what you're saying and be able to explain why you said it. There's nothing I say that I can't back up or at least explain why I came to that conclusion, so I'm not afraid of getting in trouble.

Anyone who can't tell the difference between a joke and hate speech is just stupid.

I have cowlicks, so my hair has always been a source of torture for me.

Every comic says things that are going to offend someone, so we all have to defend each other with this stuff.

I hate my hair so much.

I don't watch too much television because I want to write something, and you never want to be influenced by other things that are on - and if they're really funny it'll just depress me because it's something I'm not a part of.

If I leave the mike in the stand, my hands absolutely move more. I'm not sure if it's a conscious thing.

I never care if the audience groans.

You can't worry about saying something that will get you in trouble because the line changes so fast. If you try to navigate it, you will not only suck but eventually say something stupid and get yourself dumb anyway.

I'm very careful with my money.

There are just some things that I don't think jokes are good for.

I love everything about Boston. The women are phenomenal, they're all dirty. It's just a really great place to do comedy.

If the show is going really well and the comedian is still annoyed with the audience, chances are he's a Boston comic. That's the beauty of Boston comics.

A lot of times the mainstream public loves something, critics will hate it and then they'll think the public is stupid and they're above the public.

The biggest killer to funny is hyper sensitivity to certain subject matter and Montreal is as guilty of that as L.A. or New York or San Francisco.

To me the important thing for a comic to be is emotionally honest.

With 'Mouthful of Shame,' all of my fans or the majority of them said it's the best thing you've ever done and that meant a lot because as you go on with time, if they're still really enjoying it, that means you're getting better.

I want people to feel like there's nothing they have to be worried about laughing at. There's nothing that can't be made fun of.

I love Philly so much. I know that at any time, any place, a fight can break out. Those are great comedy fans.

A lot of racism is paternalism. A lot of people hide their own racism because they treat blacks, minorities and other groups like children because deep down they feel superior and better than these people. And they don't feel like they should just treat a guy like a guy.

I know I'm funny, and I like to be in front of people, and the fact that I'm good at that. It's the one thing that gave me self-esteem.

Google is not my friend. I've been way too open in my career. Google has killed any shot I have on the dating apps.

It's really hard to truly want people who you hate to have the right to say whatever they want. And we all disguise the ugly self-centeredness of it.

I find when most people are offended, it's phony. It's an attention-seeking device. So I love to call them out on it from stage.

I date but nothing really long term. I haven't had much luck. I probably haven't met the right woman. Most probably know to stay away from me.

Don Lemon is one of my favorites. I love him.

It's really the old question: Does art inspire life or does life inspire art? Maybe it's a combination of both. But Trump represented something. He didn't create what we are. He comes from what we are. And he's a representative of what we are, whether we like it or not. He's just not our better nature.

I don't really like Phil Robertson and I think his opinion about gay marriage is stupid. But in a country where we want an honest conversation, we have to realize that part of the honest conversation is hearing things we don't like and discussing them.

I don't think any comedy is ever shocking. I don't buy that. That's just what people brand it, when someone is saying something they don't like.

If I'm gonna make fun of Trump, I'm gonna tell you things that I've done that are similar. I like to tell on myself, as well as make fun of the people I'm talking about. I feel like it gives me more of a right to make fun of them if I am talking about myself, too. It's more fun for me that way, honestly.

If somebody said about me, 'I don't think his jokes are good, I don't think he's a good comedian,' I don't like to read that but that's a fair thing to say.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.