Top 97 Quotes & Sayings by Jimmy Carr
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an English comedian Jimmy Carr.
Last updated on November 21, 2024.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.
It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.
I don't see myself as offending people.
Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.
The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna.
I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.
I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.
You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.
Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
Say what you want about the deaf.
Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
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