Top 97 Quotes & Sayings by Jimmy Carr - Page 2

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

How many airports are there in the world?

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

But what's true about comedians is that we've all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we're the one person facing in the opposite direction - yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I think that comedians, more than any other type of celebrity, have to keep their humour and keep their feet on the ground. If they start taking themselves too seriously, they're heading for a fall.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.