Top 399 Quotes & Sayings by Joan Rivers
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Joan Rivers.
Last updated on September 9, 2024.
I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Never floss with a stranger.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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