Top 399 Quotes & Sayings by Joan Rivers - Page 3

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

Better laid than never.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

moving on is a gift you give yourself.

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.