Top 399 Quotes & Sayings by Joan Rivers - Page 4

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

Self-pity shortens your life.