Top 399 Quotes & Sayings by Joan Rivers - Page 5

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.