Top 399 Quotes & Sayings by Joan Rivers - Page 7

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

Never floss a stranger.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

What we do is a calling...we make people happy.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.

Having a baby can be a scream.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

I love the way my life has fallen into place.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.