Top 35 Quotes & Sayings by Joe E. Lewis
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Joe E. Lewis.
Last updated on December 21, 2024.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
We can afford almost any mistake once.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
I drink to forget I drink.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.
I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.
I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.
Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
Related Authors
Bill Maher Quotes
American
Comedian
Craig Ferguson Quotes
Scottish
Comedian
David Letterman Quotes
American
Comedian
Demetri Martin Quotes
American
Comedian
Ellen DeGeneres Quotes
American
Comedian
George Carlin Quotes
American
Comedian
Jay Leno Quotes
American
Comedian
Jim Gaffigan Quotes
American
Comedian
Jimmy Fallon Quotes
American
Comedian
Joan Rivers Quotes
American
Comedian
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
American
Comedian
P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
American
Comedian
Robin Williams Quotes
American
Comedian
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
American
Comedian
Stephen Colbert Quotes
American
Comedian
Steven Wright Quotes
American
Comedian