Top 58 Quotes & Sayings by John Bradshaw

Healthy shame is an emotion that teaches us about our limits. Like all emotions, shame moves us to get our basic needs met.

In 'Reclaiming Virtue,' I argue that we have had an element missing in moral education. That element is 'affect.' Affect is simply the technical word for feeling or emotion.

When I walked out of the seminary, I was 31, but I was like a scared, frightened kid. I had no place to live, no license, no clothes. I was just a lost soul.

It's essential to tell the truth at all times. This will reduce life's pain. Lying distorts reality. All forms of distorted thinking must be corrected.

Ego is to the true self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.

In a sense, all of my books have been about a 'poisonous pedagogy,' which engenders a culture of obedience, this underlying theme of patriarchal systems.

In my family, as in all dysfunctional families, instead of parents who act as strong and nurturing role models for their children, you get these needy people who use their children. I was the kid who tried to take on the marriage.

Virtue is an inner strength. It expands your nature.

Evil is a source of moral intelligence in the sense that we need to learn from our shadow, from our dark side, in order to be good.

I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they can't feel anymore.

I define a 'good person' as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations. They know their strengths, but they also know their 'shadow' - they know their weaknesses. In other words, they understand that there is no good without bad. Good and evil are really one, but we have broken them up in our consciousness. We polarize them.

As a child I was not allowed to express my feelings, so I had to go back through therapy and express the child's pain.

Our beliefs create the kind of world we believe in. We project our feelings, thoughts and attitudes onto the world. I can create a different world by changing my belief about the world. Our inner state creates the outer and not vice versa.

You can find more traditional Shakespeare than we do. But what we want to bring to these works is energy, passion, freshness.

The figure of Satan and the fires of hell have been demythologized by modern Christian biblical scholars, theologians and philosophers.

It's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers - they help us to learn.

Children are natural Zen masters; their world is brand new in each and every moment.

The idea of evil is always subject to denial as a coping mechanism.

The spiritual quest is not some added benefit to our life, something you embark on if you have the time and inclination. We are spiritual beings on an earthly journey. Our spirituality makes up our beingness.

I try to get people thinking, to consider their pasts and presents, ultimately encouraging them and giving them the tools to embrace the work of reshaping their lives.

The unlimited power that many modern gurus offer is false hope. Their programs calling us to unlimited power have made them rich, not us. They touch our false selves and tap our toxic shame.

Many self-help books give you these neat, tidy formulas that are really illusions. They dupe people into thinking, 'Well if I can just do that, then everything's going to be okay.' My work differs in that I don't offer quick solutions and simple explanations.

All these feelings need to be felt. We need to stomp and storm; to sob and cry; to perspire and tremble.

We move from the illusion of certainty, to the certainty of illusion

Shame is the root of all addictions.

Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are.

The feeling of righteousness is the core mood alteration among religious addicts. Religious addiction is a massive problem in our society. It may be the most pernicious of all addictions because it’s so hard for a person to break his delusion and denial. How can anything be wrong with loving God and giving your life for good works and service to mankind?

There are plenty of quacks in the field. Fewer than you'd expect, though still plenty (in alternative medicine).

We cannot heal what we cannot feel.

Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by joining a group and talking about our pain.

That's the trouble with the conventional doctors. They always say, 'How does it work?' but often there isn't any neat little answer...Something simply works...We don't really know how it works. We say we do. We know one or two things we can see and measure.

The more we know about how we lost our spontaneous wonder and creativity, the more we can find ways to get them back.

Most people who have survived abuse have great strength.

You can't heal what you can't feel!

I have never met an aggressive person who wasn’t a fearful person.

To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need or drive, you immediately feel ashamed. The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings, needs and drives. When these are bound by shame, you are shamed to the core.

The most paradoxical aspect of neurotic shame is that it is the core motivator of the superachieved and the underachieved, the star and the scapegoat, the righteous and the wretched, the powerful and the pathetic.

I define a good person as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations. They know their strengths, but they also know their shadow - they know their weaknesses. In other words, they understand that there is no good without bad. Good and evil are really one, but we have broken them up in our consciousness. We polarize them.

To truly be committed to a life of honesty, love and discipline, we must be willing to commit ourselves to reality.

I believe that this neglected, wounded, inner child of the past is the major source of human misery.

True love heals and affects spiritual growth. If we do not grow because of someone else’s love, it’s generally because it is a counterfeit form of love.

Condemning others as bad or sinful is a way to feel righteous. Such a feeling is a powerful mood alteration and can become highly addictive.

Children aren't fooled. They know we give time to the things we love.

Chronically dysfunctioning families are also delusional. Delusion is sincere denial.

The drivenness in any addiction is about the ruptured self, the belief that one is flawed as a person. The content of the addiction, whether it is alcoholism or work, is an attempt at an intimate relationship. The workaholic with her work or the alcoholic with his booze are having a love affair. Each alters mood to avoid the feeling of loneliness and hurt in the underbelly of shame.

Children are curious and are risk takers. They have lots of courage. They venture out into a world that is immense and dangerous. A child initially trusts life and the processes of life.

Since the earliest period of our life was preverbal, everything depended on emotional interaction. Without someone to reflect our emotions, we had no way of knowing who we were.

The capacity for love that makes dogs such rewarding companions has a flip-side: They find it difficult to cope without us. Since we humans programmed this vulnerability, it's our responsibility to ensure that our dogs do not suffer as a result.

It's okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers -- they help us to learn.

It is a mark of soulfulness to be present in the here and now. When we are present, we are not fabricating inner movies. We are seeing what is before us.

Arrogance is a way for a person to cover up shame. After years of arrogance, the arrogant person is so out of touch, she truly doesn't know who she is. This is one of the greatest tragedies of shame cover-ups: not only does the person hide from others, she also hides from herself.

Guilt says I've done something wrong; ... shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I've made a mistake; ... shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what did was not good; ... shame says I am no good.

The foundation for our self-image is grounded in the first three years of life. It comes from our major caretaker's mirroring.

Children need parents who model self-discipline rather than preach it. They learn from what their parents are actually willing to do; not from what they say they do.

I know from my own clinical work that when people are beaten and hurt, they numb out so that they cant feel anymore.

Science has so far been unable to tell us how self-aware dogs are, much less whether they have anything like our conscious thoughts. This is not surprising, since neither scientists nor philosophers can agree about what the consciousness of humans consists of, let alone that of animals.

Our sadness is an energy we discharge in order to heal. …Sadness is painful. We try to avoid it. Actually discharging sadness releases the energy involved in our emotional pain. To hold it in is to freeze the pain within us. The therapeutic slogan is that grieving is the ‘healing feeling.’

Growing up means leaving home and becoming a self supporting adult. I think this the hardest task any human being hast to face.