Top 76 Quotes & Sayings by Jon Richardson

Early thirties for women is a very intense time. If you want kids, and you're not in a relationship, there's an urgency there, so they're forced to mature quicker. It's easy for a man in his thirties to be immature - you can have kids into your fifties, whereas women just can't.

I always mention stacking the dishwasher - any opportunity. But it's the consequences - it's the food poisoning and the potential death that will come with not loading the dishwasher properly.

I put a lot of effort into not upsetting people and trying to do things the right way, so I feel I can reserve the right to complain when I feel let down by others.

I do enjoy doing the TV work, but I try to be careful not to do too much. Otherwise, you end up being recognised just for being on television rather than for your own stuff.

I get quite frustrated about a lot of things on a day-to-day basis. I can't help it; it is an impulse with me.

If you don't wash dishes properly, you will get ill. And you will lose friends because they'll come to your house, you'll give them tea in a filthy cup, and they'll never see you again.

To say I wasn't such a hit with the ladies would be a very kind way of putting it. I was a slow burner, shall we say.

I need to keep my ad-libbing skills honed and make sure I'm able to banter with people and treat topics a bit more light-heartedly. But as a stand-up, first and foremost, my job is to make sure that I can write the routine that hopefully people will talk about when something big happens.

I got shingles on the day of the EU referendum. It's good to see that my stress has got worse as I've got older and that now there is a physical element to it!

I've never said I have OCD, as I haven't been diagnosed.

I need to recognise that everyone is an individual and that the key to a good relationship is to recognise that. This does theme to be a theme in my stand-up as well as my writing!

Having a child has been the most unexpected privilege, as I spent so long on my own thinking it would never happen.

My personal opinion is that I don't ever do jokes that are about disability or cancer or what are seen as 'edgier' topics. I've been affected by those things myself, and I think that comedy should be a safe place for people.

It doesn't mean you can't discuss important things, but I would never do a joke about cancer, just because I don't think any joke is funny enough to justify upsetting someone who is going through that.

Stand-up is still my job. That is the thing I wanted to get into when I was 21. You cannot beat the immediacy of it, making people laugh without any interruptions or edits.

'One Leg Too Few' by Peter Cook is a perfect sketch. The setting is ridiculous, the language is beautiful, and the performances make the most of every syllable and movement.

Comedy gigs are there because you are all in acceptance that the world is not the way it should be. You have to give yourself a break; otherwise, you would sit crying in a darkened room.

I've had a lot of compulsions throughout my life which mainly started as a teen around the time I was doing exams.

I try not to listen to the other comedians performing before me because they will probably be funnier than me.

I think a pessimist is just an optimist who has had their heart repeatedly broken.

People associate me with being pernickety and down. In the past, I was guilty of keeping myself like that just to maintain my comic persona.

No book has ever made me laugh as much as 'I, Partridge.'

I cannot stand when you go to a wedding and get fed tiny portions. I want everyone to have a good feed on my wedding day, so I plan on having several types of sausage, mash, and gravy up for grabs. Every guest will have a Yorkshire pudding, too!

When you are single, you're invested in the world because you have to be, because that's all you've got. When you have a kid, it's not more or less; it's just a different way of worrying about the world. And worrying about the world after I'm dead.

Somewhat naively, I entered the BBC's 'New Talent Competition,' believing it was for people who had never tried comedy before. I remember sitting in the dressing room before the show and hearing the other acts - who all knew one another - talking to Rhod Gilbert about how he must be about ready to go 'full-time' as a comic.

There are many problems with being a comedian: the travel, the late nights, the pressure, the fear of running out of funny things to say.

If I'm with someone, I want them to be perfectly happy all the time. That, for me, would be the reason you would devote yourself to one person.

I remember a night when I was living in Swindon on my own, and I couldn't sit on the couch because there were two cushions, and I couldn't sit equally between them.

The best thing about being a comedian is that, unlike the other jobs I've had, none of the bad things seem to matter because it's the best job in the world.

I think anyone can bake, but I don't think I can bake well. I sort of feel like baking is just, like, chocolate and butter and sugar, and that is always nice, so I think anyone can bake, you can put those things together, and it will come out all right. The next level of that, I definitely can't do.

In reality, as a comedian, you're successful because you're funny, and you should be able to be funny about anything.

I like small parties with people I know. I like eating pizza at home with my girlfriend.

I'm neurotic by nature, but I'm wary of becoming more of a play than a comic - you don't want people coming to see a man having a breakdown for two hours. I'd prefer them coming to hear my astute and witty observations.

Each show is a very honest portrayal of how I'm feeling that night. It can go off in any direction. The show is different every night, and that makes it much more exciting. Every evening is unique.

I'm not building my life round not being able to bear the thought of being in my 60s and not having someone next to me when I wake up in the morning. That's not what drives me.

The only big life challenge I think I'm worried about is a mid-life crisis because I've done so little. I think if people who've lived normal lives have mid-life crises and buy motorbikes, what is a man who's done nothing?

I love the privilege of looking back on my life every three years, turning it into a comedy show, and sharing it with an audience. It's incredibly cathartic.

I accept you can't achieve perfection all the time, but you can achieve perfection of intent, maybe. I don't think you can go into a relationship with anything other than the intention of it being perfect.

I think more people should worry about where they store things in the fridge. I don't think people are on top of separating raw and cooked ingredients.

My mum's amazing. She's the person I admire most, I think, in her sacrifice to me and my sister and her level of emotional sacrifice to people around her. She takes a high level of personal responsibility for the welfare of people around her.

I'm still very much a Northerner. I try to have chips and gravy twice a week.

When I'm filming a documentary, I feel like I should be the straight man, watching with a raised eyebrow.

If I watch 'The X Factor,' I know I'm never going to aspire to sing, so I don't mind if they're good or bad, but when I watch 'Bake Off,' because I aspire to be good at it, I find it easy to try and put myself in their position.

OCD is a really serious condition - it's a proper thing. It's not just, 'Oh, you like your pens to be straight'. For me, it would always go in tandem with being unhappy. The unhappier I was, the worse it got.

There are things I wouldn't do when hosting, like get people up on stage or get the audience doing a sing-song or something like that.

It would be nice to be a piece of toast. Everyone likes a piece of toast, don't they? No one is ever sad when you offer them a piece of toast, and if I could be that to someone, that would be nice.

I'm almost always trying to be funny, even when I'm on my own. I think it's the desire to channel my anger and frustration into something more positive than sitting at home being unpleasant.

I'll be doing stand-up for the rest of my life. The opportunities that it grants you can't be denied. Stand-up is both the hardest thing I do and the thing I enjoy most.

My wife's biggest fear is air pollution, living in London as we do. She's convinced that's the big problem. And my own is sink holes and the inevitability of us all, at some point, collapsing into a sink hole and never being seen again.

If I had a choice, I would rather watch a comedian not involve themselves in politics at all but be hilarious than someone who doesn't really know what they're talking about getting on their soapbox and complaining.

I shouldn't still be working out how to be misanthropic singleton comic when I'm 60. I should have moved on by then.

I'm all about the slapstick, generally. If you fell off it, into it, or through it, I'm probably nearby wetting myself.

I certainly tried to talk about less complex things, but I've had to accept that it's just not what I do. That isn't to say that my shows are depressing - they aren't. At least, I hope they aren't! The problem I have with stories about happy things is that they don't require any skill from a comic - they just repeat the details verbatim.

I think comedy can be a way of sugar-coating a pill that needs to be taken, and whatever I complain about onstage, I hope I justify the negativity by using humour to make the point.

When you're single, you're not beholden to anyone, and you can shut down more easily. In the past, I had the idea that I'd live in a caravan with a dog near a pub with no responsibilities. But now, when bad things happen in the world, I feel responsible for them because they're going to impact on my daughter.

I really like stews: everything in a bowl boiled down right to its essence.

A 'nidiot' is something different from an idiot. An idiot is someone whose problems are caused by not concentrating enough. A 'nidiot' is someone who makes his life more complicated by thinking too much rather than not enough. I'm not an idiot, but I'm definitely a 'nidiot'!

I'm very lucky to be a comedian, and I feel privileged that people come to see me in the expectation that I will make them laugh.

I don't mean to hate people, I just get forced into it.

I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to make things a little bit better every now and again.