Top 513 Quotes & Sayings by Jon Stewart

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.

Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1973.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the world but not with Republicans? Maybe he's not the problem.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.

Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.

The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.

The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.