Top 513 Quotes & Sayings by Jon Stewart - Page 4

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream.

It really does seem that the Democrat's problem isn't that they're calling for timetables - it's that they're calling them 'timetables'. You're up against Bush and the Republicans - you've got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables - call them 'Patriot Dates', 'Freedom Deadlines'... 'Glory Goals'.

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.

War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.

[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.

It's like hunting cows

Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

Here it is. My moment of zen.

The government that governs best, governs best!

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion -we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay?

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

There's a disconnect there between - you're telling me this [war in Iraq] is fight of our generation, and you're going to increase troops by 10 percent. And that's gonna do it. I'm sure what [George W.Bush] would like to do is send 400,000 more troops there, but he can't, because he doesn't have them.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.

Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'

The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what? You know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that!

Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria.

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.

[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, "I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud," all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

You cannot judge a book by its contents.

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?

Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.