Top 165 Quotes & Sayings by Joseph Heller

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as 'Catch-22' I'm tempted to reply, 'Who has?'

I do not have, and never had, any interest in either the Bible or religion.

I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy.

Hungry Joe collected lists of fatal diseases and arranged them in alphabetical order so that he could put his finger without delay on any one he wanted to worry about.

Rise above principle and do what's right.

But that was war. Just about all he could find in its favor was that it paid well and liberated children from the pernicious influence of their parents.

I've only had four ideas for a novel in my life, and I've written all of them.

When I grow up I want to be a little boy.

The villains will come along. There were plenty in the Carter administration, and there will be plenty with Reagan.

I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.

Never quit a job as a matter of principle. You'll always regret it.

He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.

Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.

Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.

I want to keep my dreams, even bad ones, because without them, I might have nothing all night long.

I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private individuals.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I've adjusted to this, that my books are not going to get unanimously good reviews.

Every writer I know has trouble writing.

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.

All of my books deal in a very rough, rude fashion with subjects about which there are great conflicts of opinion.

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.

I think Haig will be foolish, but perhaps not quite as foolish as Kissinger was, because Haig doesn't have the education Kissinger had. Haig is a little more dangerous because, I fear, he believes what he says, whereas I never got that impression from Kissinger.

The idea of using actual clippings came about as a way of characterizing Gold. Gold uses clippings because he hates doing research and is not even really interested in the books and articles he writes.

Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.

From men motivated by moral certitude, history teaches, no lasting good ever comes.

Just for once I'd like to see all these things sort of straightened out, with each person getting exactly what he deserves. It might give me some confidence in this universe.

All of our religions but the Judaic and the Greek think more of us dead than alive.

You know, that might be the answer - to act boastfully about something we ought to be ashamed of. That's a trick that never seems to fail.

Sure, that's what I mean,' Doc Daneeka said. 'A little grease is what makes this world go round. One hand washes the other. Know what I mean? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.' Yossarian knew what he meant. That's not what I meant,' Doc Daneeka said, as Yossarian began scratching his back.

I don't understand the process of imagination-though I know that I am very much at its mercy.

Insanity is contagious.

The laws of nature are only as immutable as the minds which promote them. Ignorance of the law is 9/10ths of the law. Just because you aren't paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

The body stores the trauma of our lives in muscular rigidity, thereby keeping us stuck in the past. When we release the tension in the body and align ourselves with gravity, we take a new stand in life. This allows us to be at ease with ourselves and in harmony in our relationship to others and to our planet.

But the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be.

In the long run, failure was the only thing that worked predictably. All else was accidental.

[They] agreed that it was neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never questioned anything.

Everyone in my book accuses everyone else of being crazy. Frankly, I think the whole society is nuts - and the question is: What does a sane man do in an insane society?

The question is: what is a sane man to do in an insane society?

You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate." "Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously.

History was a trash bag of random coincidences torn open in a wind. Surely, Watt with his steam engine, Faraday with his electric motor, and Edison with his incandescent light bulb did not have it as their goal to contribute to a fuel shortage some day that would place their countries at the mercy of Arab oil.

There was no telling what people might find out once they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.

The night was full of horrors, and he thought he knew how Christ must have felt as he walked through the world, like a psychiatrist through a ward full of nuts.

You wouldn’t be normal if you were never afraid. Even the bravest men experience fear. One of the biggest jobs we all face in combat is to overcome fear.

...[A]nything worth dying for ... is certainly worth living for.

Men went mad and were rewarded with medals.

The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them.

For war there is always enough. It's peace that's expensive.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.

Rise above principal and do what's right.

Major Major had lied, and it was good. He was not really surprised that it was good, for he had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.

You have no respect for excessive authority or obsolete traditions. You're dangerous and depraved, and you ought to be taken outside and shot!

It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character.

mankind is resilient: the atrocities that horrified us a week ago become acceptable tomorrow.

Remember that everyone deserves some fun during working hours.