Top 221 Quotes & Sayings by Karl Pilkington - Page 2

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.

I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

We should all love animals.

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.'

I don't know what 'famous' is, really.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.

I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference.

Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.

You don't get anything done by planning

People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change my life.

Pigeons: They've got wings, but they walk a lot.

Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.

If you can't do it, don't do it.

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, 'Why are we here?' The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

What I mean is, I don't know what I mean.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.

Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

When i was younger i remember once i went to bed and i was so happy that i laughed myself to sleep.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

You can only talk rubbish if you're aware of knowledge.

I've heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that's dangerous.

I'm just sayin', I don't like fun.

If you’re worrying about the wrinkles on your bollocks I’d say your life’s pretty good

If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

People say Dolphins are intelligent and that but they’ve never done anything that have blown me away. They say I’m a div and Dolphins are intelligent…It just baffles me.

We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. That's evidence. You can't argue with that.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Every step starts with a step.

What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.

We are always making more and more stuff in the world. You know; big buildings, big planes, big boats and that. Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?

If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

There's a lot of idiots in the world, so live with it.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

I saw a bee have a heart attack.

A problem solved is a problem caused.