Top 154 Quotes & Sayings by Kinky Friedman

A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life.

I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.

These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way.

We were a country band with a social conscience.

If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themself in the mirror.

Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

Young people are the key to this election.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

I see an issue I like, and I support it.

No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions.

The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.

If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

I never apologize for the truth. And the truth here is that racists come in many different colors.

William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I don't apologize to people who try to intimidate.

I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

I don't apologize to people with an agenda.

You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.

I rarely meddled in the cat's personal affairs and she rarely meddled in mine. Neither of us was foolish enough to attribute human emotions to our pets.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

Golf is the only opportunity that middle-aged WASPs have to dress up like a pimp.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

But the most dangerous thing in the world in the world is to run the risk of waking up one morning and realizing suddenly that all this time you've been living without really and truly living and by then it's too late. When you wake up to that kind of realization, it's too late for wishes and regrets. It's even too late to dream.

If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

The main health hazard in the world today is people who don't love themselves.