Top 154 Quotes & Sayings by Larry David - Page 3

I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.

I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say a few dollars more.

I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me.

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away.

I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.

I find human contact repulsive.

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.

I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

You know, when you do standup there are certain requirements that you have to do like you have to go on stage and when you get introduced you have to say "Hey,how ya doin'? How are ya?" I couldn't do it. It was false.

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It’s really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

I think Michael Moore is a hero. I love him.

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.

I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!

Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, "Man Gets Married!"

I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.

Luck always plays a part for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. I was very lucky, and I know it.

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.

Zero, zero belief in myself. And it's changed somewhat, but there's still a lot of that in me.

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.