Top 273 Quotes & Sayings by Lewis Black

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

I'm a Jew.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

Political audiences are not fun.

Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

Everybody's got cable.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.