Top 56 Quotes & Sayings by Lewis Grizzard

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side.

A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'

The South is the last place with a sense of place.

Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book.

You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them.

The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.

I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.

I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes.

Show business is my life.

I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.

I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

I think people are a lot more sensitive than they used to be, and quite rightly so. I don't think we should be using racial jokes and things like that.

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

Let's all start walking more and driving less.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Spring time is the land awakening.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.