Top 99 Quotes & Sayings by Lisa Lampanelli

I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.

Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.

I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause.

Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine.

I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.

I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'

I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and seen a lot of audience members from different ethnic persuasions.

William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever.

I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.

I got sick of trying everything. I tried every single thing imaginable - diet, exercise. I even bought a house on the health spa property, and I still gained weight.

I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.

That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.

If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.

By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat.

I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home.

I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain.

Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.

This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.

The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me.

I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.

I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.

I'm way too famous and rich to be on a dating app, but if I get very desperate by the time I'm 60, I'll go on Tinder. Or I'll go on 'Millionaire Matchmaker'; I'll call Patti Stanger.

It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes.

I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'

I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know.

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.

I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels.

Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.

Interesting-looking people have always been comedians, and it's rare that someone who has the choice to model ends up being a comic. Except for maybe Whitney Cummings, but that's about it. That's why she's special: because she can combine it.

I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey.

What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.

I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too.

I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.

If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.

I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.

I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off.

I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.

I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.'

I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.

I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.

I honestly feel like 99 percent of people have some kind of self-hate about their looks, and if I can joke about mine, maybe they can feel better about theirs.

I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.

I was 25 myself once. I also thought I knew everything. I also thought that I could give singers singing advice and comics comedy advice. When you're that age, you know it all, so I understand it. But when you're tired and you don't have patience for it, you definitely snap.

I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life, and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it, and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines.

I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook.

When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.

I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.'

I thought I had to work at someplace everybody's heard of. It was never, 'I'm interested in such and such. I want to work in such and such magazine.' It was like, 'Oh, my G-d, I really need to work for somebody so people will think I'm OK.' So I got a job at 'Popular Mechanics'.

With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.

I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have.

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.

Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better.

We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate.

None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.

The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.

I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny.

My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes.

When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.