Top 292 Quotes & Sayings by Louis C. K. - Page 2

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

Everything that people say is testable.

I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

A lot of the struggle I had with movies is I really loved moments and tones and feelings in a scene, and I loved creating those, but I never really had great stories to string them together.

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

I love comedians. They're my community.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

You can't direct without a good crew.

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.