Top 89 Quotes & Sayings by Mallory Ortberg - Page 2

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who "despises" having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

Anyone who thinks it’s funny to name their network "Tom’sHugeEtc" is going to think it’s funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.

You who have suffered so much do not want to be with the kind of person who makes "black widow" jokes to deal with an uncomfortable, painful moment. You should be with a person capable of great compassion and understanding.

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.

If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.

Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.

One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.

We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.

Knowledge of death is the beginning of wisdom.

You may not be able to convince everyone around you that you're doing the right thing, but you don't have to subject yourself to endless second-guessing from others, either.

Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.

In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a "healthy lifestyle" in order to rent property.

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.

It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!

It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.

You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.

Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.