Top 2442 Quotes & Sayings by Mark Twain - Page 2

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'

In 'Huckleberry Finn,' I have drawn Tom Blankenship exactly as he was. He was ignorant, unwashed, insufficiently fed; but he had as good a heart as ever any boy had.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.

Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.