Top 272 Quotes & Sayings by Marshall B. Rosenberg

People have been trained to criticize, insult, and otherwise communicate in ways that create distance among people.

Everything we do is in service of our needs. When this one concept is applied to our view of others, we'll see that we have no real enemies, that what others do to us is the best possible thing they know to do to get their needs met.

Please do as I requested, only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please do not do as I request if there is any taint of fear of punishment if you don't. Please do not do as I request to buy my love, that, is hoping that I will love you more if you do. Please do not do as I request if you will feel guilty if you don't. Please do not do as I request if you will feel shameful. And certainly do not do as I request out of any sense of duty or obligation.

Keep in mind that other people's actions can never 'make' you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators.

We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

Your presence is the most precious gift you can give to another human being.

When we hear the other person's feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.

All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.

Learning is too precious to be motivated by coercive tactics.

Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear their analysis.

Conflicts, even of long standing duration, can be resolved if we can just keep the flow of communication going in which people come out of their heads and stop criticizing and analyzing each other, and instead get in touch with their needs, and hear the needs of others, and realize the interdependence that we all have in relation to each other. We can't win at somebody else's expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person's needs are fulfilled as well as our own.

Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.

The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. When I first read this statement, the thought, 'What nonsense!' shot through my mind before I realized that I had just made an evaluation.

We can never make anyone do anything against their will without enormous consequences.

Children need far more than basic skills in reading, writing, and math, as important as those might be. Children also need to learn how to think for themselves, how to find meaning in what they learn, and how to work and live together.

Regardless of our many differences, we all have the same needs. What differs is the strategy for fulfilling these needs.

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we're in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related - and often more powerful - feelings.

Anger is a signal that you're distracted by judgmental or punitive thinking, and that some precious need of yours is being ignored.

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.

People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being.

Four D's of Disconnection: 1. Diagnosis (judgment, analysis, criticism, comparison); 2. Denial of Responsibility; 3. Demand; 4. 'Deserve' oriented language.

Be very slow to go into looking for solutions.

You don't have to be brilliant. It's enough to become progressively less stupid.

If I'm using Nonviolent Communication I never, never, never hear what somebody thinks about me. Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. You'll enjoy life more. Hear the truth. The truth is that when somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need that isn't getting met. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear the analysis.

We are never angry because of what others say or do. It is our thinking that makes us angry.

NO is always a YES to something else.

The number one reason that we don't get our needs met, we don't express them. We express judgments. If we do express needs, the number two reasons we don't our needs met, we don't make clear requests.

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.

Get very clear about the kind of world we would like and then start living that way.

The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.

NVC suggests behind every action, however ineffective, tragic, violent, or abhorrent to us, is an attempt to meet a need.

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.

Whether I praise or criticize someone's action, I imply that I am their judge, that I'm engaged in rating them or what they have done.

If we want to be compassionate we must be conscious of the words we use. We must both speak and listen from the heart.

When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack.

Always hear the 'Yes' in the 'No'.

We are responsible for what we hear other people say and for how we act.

NVC is interested in learning that is motivated by reverence for life, by a desire to learn skills, to contribute better to our own well-being and the well-being of others.

When our communication supports compassionate giving and receiving, happiness replaces violence and grieving.

In empathy, you don't speak at all. You speak with the eyes. You speak with your body. If you say any words at all, it's because you are not sure you are with the person. So you may say some words. But the words are not empathy. Empathy is when the other person feels the connection with what's alive in you.

The more we talk about the past, the less we heal from it.

Don't get addicted to your requests. Your objective is needs, not requests. Because then it becomes a demand.

Every message, regardless of form or content, is an expression of a need.

Instead of playing the game "Making Life Wonderful", we often play the game called "Who's Right". Do you know that game? It's a game where everybody loses.

Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.

The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way: it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy, which will eventually fulfill everyone's needs.

Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.

People don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry.

When we understand the needs that motivate our own and others behavior, we have no enemies.

All people ever say is: THANK YOU (a celebration of life) and PLEASE (an opportunity to make life more wonderful).

Natural Giving: Anything we do in life which is not out of that energy, we pay for and everybody else pays for. Anything we do to avoid punishment, everybody pays for. Everything we do for a reward, everybody pays for. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for. Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, or obligation, everybody pays for.

If you think ahead to what to say next - like how to fix it or make the person feel better - BOOM! Off the board. You're into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that's here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it's like I wasn't there. I call this "watching the magic show". In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my "fix-it" tendencies.

Public education for some time has been heavily focused on what curricula we believe will be helpful to students. Life-Enriching Education is based on the premise that the relationship between teachers and students, the relationships of students with one another, and the relationships of students to what they are learning are equally important in preparing students for the future.

The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things 'because we're supposed to.

You'll find people less threatening if you hear what they're needing rather than what they're thinking about you.

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.

When you need empathy, you cannot give empathy.

Power-Over leads to punishment and violence. Power-With leads to compassion and understanding, and to learning motivated by reverence for life rather than fear, guilt, shame, or anger.

When we listen for feelings and needs - we can see that people who seem like monsters are simply human beings whose language and behavior sometimes keep us from seeing their humanness.

With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.