Top 97 Quotes & Sayings by Michael McIntyre

I get looks like I can't raise my child, but I can.

I don't know how it is with other people's relationships, but my wife is always much more tired than me because she works much harder looking after the children, which is an endless battle - a lot of it is battling with them to stop battling with each other.

I don't watch any other comedy, I don't study stand-up as an art.

It's such a lie that women go for funny men.

I was trying to do one-liners and it took me years to realise I just had to be myself. My fear was if I was myself and no one found it funny, I'd have nowhere left to go.

I go to the British Comedy Awards and, you know, quite a few people were making jokes at my expense. It just made me feel awful, because I am there with my wife and she has gone out and bought a dress. And it is my big night and I won, and yet the overriding experience was that of nastiness.

The world is in a bit of a state. I don't know how it's happened so quickly but everyone's a bit on edge. I'm not sure that our leaders are doing a great job globally. We're hoping on Trump and Kim Jong-un - these two people who maybe aren't necessarily the sanest.

Maybe people just can't cope with how jovial I am.

I don't have any writers. I never get a laugh with somebody else's jokes. I can't do it justice.

I never felt like I belong to anything - to any groups of friends. I never really had that.

I thought I was going to do some cult, cool, late-night interviewing thing on BBC2. But everyone kept saying: 'No, Michael, you're teatime, you're not cool.'

I was in Starbucks and the person in front of me said: 'Can I have a tall, skinny, black Americano please?' I said: 'Are you ordering coffee or voting in the U.S. elections?'

I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left 'Countdown;' I mean, it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.

I suppose I'm always a little bit on edge.

I've always felt so unconnected to other comedians.

I went to quite a nice school as a kid, where everyone was quite posh, because my dad was making some money.

Stand-up comedy is what I do, and it's so rewarding. If you write a joke and tell it to an audience of 15,000 people who laugh their heads off at it, it's the best feeling in the world.

I sometimes reflect on my own life on stage and no one laughs, but you have to have faith in it and hope that people will laugh.

My life is spent in hotels, which tend to be quite disappointing if you're in them every night.

I have no ambitions to act, because I don't know how to.

I call people 'captain' a lot and it makes them feel special. Until they hear me using it for everyone, that is.

It would be nice if I had a faster metabolism, because I love food.

Fame is sexy. And women are meant to find men who are funny sexy. But not me. Absolutely not me. Clearly I just missed the sexy bit.

I bought my wife a beautiful diamond ring and I even had it engraved - with the price.

If you can help it, don't be rude to people. When you're rude about someone and the audience laugh you can't deny that it's a bullying laugh.

I just find little things in life funny, it's why I giggle during my shows.

I do speak well as I went to a posh school. But I come from no real breeding.

Given this voice, I know it does sound like I've come from money. But my dad was Canadian and my mum Hungarian, so it's not like I have some high-society, upper-class English background.

My wife is very fit and looking younger every day, whereas I'm looking older day by day.

I definitely wanted a Ferrari 328 - I was obsessive about cars as a kid.

I worked every single night, not even caring if I got paid, to get myself known. Within a year I was on the Royal Variety Show and that was it.

I think everyone wants to know why I look like this. These jokes I make about looking Chinese... My mother's from Hungary and my dad was from Canada. There's a lot of immigration in my past.

I like jokes where people don't stop laughing.

Sometimes I worry about things changing and people not liking me any more. As a comedian you do feel like you're walking on a knife edge.

Australia is fun, but completely exhausting and confusing because I never get on with the different time zone.

Success and arena shows are a great anti-depressant.

I always used to want everyone to like me, because it used to hurt so much when people made snidey comments or gave me bad reviews, but I've learnt to deal with it.

There's nothing better than having a bright, blinding light in your face and being guided by big, rolling laughter. There's nothing more encouraging than hearing that huge sound. I've waited my whole life to hear that. You come away with the biggest high of your life.

A responsive crowd is great - they help you see new things in your comedy.

The people who don't like me are completely irrelevant to me, just as I'm irrelevant to them.

I don't go around straightening pictures or anything like that, but I do obsess about the safety of those I love, particularly the kids.

I wanted to bat for the England cricket team. I was quite good at cricket. But then I kept getting out for low scores. It turned out I didn't have the talent.

Before I went into comedy I was a loner, very much wrapped up in my own thoughts. But I always liked myself and the way I thought.

Sometimes it's difficult to laugh at certain things but comedy can help.

Our family home, a large house in Hampstead, was sold to Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. I remember being told that 'someone who eats bats' was buying it.

Ruthlessness is not something that comes easily.

I've got some Jewish ancestry and I don't like waste.

I don't just like to use punchlines anymore, especially in arenas. They freak me out. There is nothing worse than 15,000 people waiting for a punchline.

I had a great moment with Michael Buble where I asked him if he could teach me to sing like him and he said why we don't sing together, so we did! It was great because my wife and children came to watch his performance.

I feel a bit weird about turning 40. It makes you feel like you've passed over on to the other side a bit.

I always knew I was quite good at getting laughs. At school, I loved having a ready audience if I made a cheeky remark.

I've always just tried to make the audience laugh.

I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.

It's a weird one: nobody notices when a brilliant comedian is fat or has sweat marks under their arms. Peter Kay isn't in the best shape and neither is Ricky Gervais, and it doesn't matter. Still, I like to feel like I'm transforming into something quite cool when I go on stage.

It's hard to see your dad once in a blue moon.

One of the positives of getting older is that you forget your age. Then you find out that you're younger than you thought you were.

I like the stage lights to be bright so I can't see people because I will inevitably only see the ones who aren't laughing.

I've heard that my father was a really funny man in company, but I never got to see that side of him. I was just 17 when he died, and he didn't know that I was funny.

Now I almost overly embrace how weird I am, how I look and how oddly camp I am. It's almost too honest for me because I harboured ambitions to be quite a cool, good-looking guy.

Comedy provides an escape from the horrors of real life.