Top 132 Quotes & Sayings by Milton Berle

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Milton Berle.

Last updated on September 17, 2024.

Milton Berle was an American actor and comedian. Berle's career as an entertainer spanned over 80 years, first in silent films and on stage as a child actor, then in radio, movies and television. As the host of NBC's Texaco Star Theatre (1948–1955), he was the first major American television star and was known to millions of viewers as "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television" during the first Golden Age of Television. He was honored with two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for his work in both radio and TV.

American - Comedian | July 12, 1908 - March 27, 2002

Source: Wikipedia

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

Milton Berle

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Milton Berle

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

Milton Berle

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Milton Berle

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Milton Berle

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

Milton Berle

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Milton Berle

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Milton Berle

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

Milton Berle

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Milton Berle

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

Milton Berle

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Milton Berle

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

Milton Berle

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Milton Berle

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Milton Berle

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Milton Berle

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

Milton Berle

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Milton Berle

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Milton Berle

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

Milton Berle

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Milton Berle

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

Milton Berle

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Milton Berle

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Milton Berle

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

Milton Berle

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

Milton Berle

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Milton Berle

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

Milton Berle

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

Milton Berle

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

Milton Berle

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Milton Berle

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

Milton Berle

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Milton Berle

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

Milton Berle

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

Milton Berle

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Milton Berle

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Milton Berle

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Milton Berle

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Milton Berle

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

Milton Berle

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

Milton Berle

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Milton Berle

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Milton Berle

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

Milton Berle