Top 40 Quotes & Sayings by Milton Jones

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an English comedian Milton Jones.

Last updated on December 18, 2024.

Milton Hywel Jones is an English comedian. His style of humour is based on one-liners involving puns delivered in a deadpan and slightly neurotic style. Jones has had various shows on BBC Radio 4 and is a recurring guest panellist on Mock the Week. He won the Perrier comedy award for best newcomer in 1996, and in 2012, Another Case of Milton Jones was awarded silver in the 'Best Comedy' category at the 30th Sony Radio Academy awards. Jones tours the UK periodically and is a regular performer at The Comedy Store in London and Manchester.

English - Comedian | Born: May 16, 1964

Source: Wikipedia

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Milton Jones

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

Milton Jones

I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!

Milton Jones

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

Milton Jones

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

Milton Jones

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

Milton Jones

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

Milton Jones

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Milton Jones

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

Milton Jones

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

Milton Jones

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

Milton Jones

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

Milton Jones

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

Milton Jones

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

Milton Jones

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Milton Jones

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Milton Jones

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

Milton Jones

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

Milton Jones

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

Milton Jones

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Milton Jones

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

Milton Jones

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

Milton Jones

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

Milton Jones

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

Milton Jones

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

Milton Jones

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Milton Jones

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

Milton Jones

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

Milton Jones

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

Milton Jones

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

Milton Jones

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

Milton Jones

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

Milton Jones

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Milton Jones

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

Milton Jones

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Milton Jones

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

Milton Jones

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

Milton Jones