Top 215 Quotes & Sayings by Phyllis Diller
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Phyllis Diller.
Last updated on December 23, 2024.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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